How Do I Recover From Being Someone's Rebound?

May 27, 2024

Image of Heartbroken Couple. Rebound Relationship. Breakup.

As a single woman and a dating and relationship coach, I've heard it all and seen it all. Unfortunately, I even found myself in a rebound relationship, so I know how painful this feels. I have a lot of compassion for you if you are going through this now.

What is a Rebound Relationship?

A rebound relationship means starting a new relationship before emotionally healing from a recent breakup or divorce. It is common for some people to use rebound relationships to suppress their emotions, get revenge on their ex, get over an ex, or avoid being alone. When a person gets into another relationship before emotionally healing from their previous one, it leaves their new partner feeling alone, invalidated, and unappreciated. It is an example of how hurt people hurt people.

The time needed to heal from a breakup depends on many factors, such as emotional investment and the depth of the connection. If you want to read more about this, check out my recent blog, How Long Does it Take to Heal From a Breakup? Men and women struggling with a recent breakup often seek ways to fill the void left by their ex. Here is some insight to help you avoid being the one who "fills the void."

Reasons why Someone might Look for a Rebound Relationship

When you learn that someone is using you as their Rebound Partner, this can feel heart crushing and devastating. It can severely affect your self-esteem and feelings of worthiness. Why would someone hurt someone else and waste their time in this way?

There are so many different reasons people seek rebound relationships. Common reasons someone might start dating before they are ready for a relationship include:

Wanting to improve their self-esteem
Desiring to get over someone they love by spending time with someone else.
Craving emotional connection.
Make their ex jealous.
Avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Prove to themselves that the divorce or breakup wasn't their fault.

Signs of a Rebound Relationship

Just because a person has ended their previous relationship, it doesn't mean they are ready to start dating again. It isn't always obvious to recognize the signs of a rebound relationship. A common indicator that you might be someone's rebound is if you find yourself being used as more of a therapist than a romantic partner.

A huge red flag that you are being used as a rebound is if there are frequent mentions of their ex.They might still have loving feelings or resentful feelings for their ex, and this will spell trouble for their new love interest. I'm using the word love here loosely because if they still have feelings for their ex, their heart will be closed to you no matter what they tell you.
You see them only once a week when it is convenient for them. Most likely, they are looking for a warm body for sex and comfort, someone to help them get through the lonely days and nights that aren't filled with work and other activities.
Emotionally unavailable people often focus on their past partners and fear commitment. They will often say things like, "I'm not ready for a relationship yet, but I would like to see where this goes," which might give the rebound partner hope that this could develop into something more. I don't want to burst your bubble, but there is no hope. You could end up a placeholder for years if you don't walk away now.

Warning Signs you are in a Rebound Relationship

Your new partner keeps comparing you to their ex. Ouch!
They have unprocessed emotions. They are bitter or angry about their ex, still in love with their ex, feel guilt and shame over their failed marriage, or all of the above and more.
The relationship may be moving very fast and they may push you to have sex too soon or want you to go on weekend trips or spontaneous vacations with them.
They have recently broken up, separated, or divorced.
Their commitment issues may signal that they are not ready to move forward into a relationship with you.
The "relationship" is focused on sex and you spend the majority of the time in your bedroom, their bedroom, hotel rooms, or the back of their truck, boat, or any other place where sexual needs can be met.
Their ex is always around - if not physically, then definitely brought up often in conversation or still texting them because they want them back.
They aren't trying to get to know you.
They aren't integrating you into their life. They don't invite you to friend or family gatherings. They don't tell anyone about you. You feel like their "dirty little secret."
They are obsessively posting or watching what their ex is doing on social media.
You have a bad feeling that something doesn't feel right about this person or this relationship or both.

What to do if you are in a Rebound Relationship

If you just read this, and you realize you are in a rebound relationship, take three deep breaths, deep inhale and slow exhale. You might be blaming yourself for getting into this situation, but if you want to recover, please fully feel into all of your feelings and then let them go. You can't change your past, but you can start now to make different choices for your future.

The truth is you cannot force someone to be ready for a committed relationship, and you are worthy and deserving of a partner who loves you. You are worthy of "dream partner" status.

Here are some suggestions for how to recover from being someone's rebound.

Trust your Intuition. Don't let this experience prevent you from trusting yourself. You know true love and you know when you feel it.
Focus on what you can change. You can walk away and (if and when you are ready), focus on moving forward and finding a partner who values you as their dream partner. You can't change anyone, including this person. They are on their own journey, and it is now time for your paths to separate. Don't settle for something that isn't what you truly desire in a partner and relationship.
Be Kind to Yourself. Remember that being a rebound is not your fault, and you aren't any less than their ex or anyone else.
Practice self-care. This includes journaling and working with a coach if you need a guide who has experience walking this path. Focus inward and on your needs. Reflect on and write down what will help you recover from this situation. Return to the activities that bring you joy and pleasure.
Leave the relationship. Consider breaking up with your partner if they are not meeting your needs and you are uncomfortable with the current relationship status.
Build a support network if you don't have one already. Lean on friends and loved ones for guidance.
Date new people. Don't let this bad experience turn you off from dating. You have learned some valuable lessons and since you know how to spot a rebounder, you can avoid emotionally unavailable options in the future. There are many good people out there waiting to commit to someone just like you.

If you need professional help

In my experience dating as a single woman and coaching singles in and out of a relationship, a relationship with someone who doesn't love you back is hurtful and can seriously affect self-esteem and confidence. For many of my clients who have anxious attachment styles, or who have experienced childhood trauma, this can be particular devastating since they are reliving how they fought for love and attention from caregivers. When you are someone's rebound, and they are unable to love you, this dynamic brings up all those feelings of abandonment from childhood. If you need guidance working on self-esteem, learning about healthy relationship patterns, and building a more secure attachment style, I can help. Apply for a consultation call with me here. Consultation Call with Catherine