The Emptiness of Superficial Relationships

May 22, 2024

Image of Unhappy Couple. Situationship. Superficial Relationship. Needs not getting met. False Intimacy.

Why settle for crumbs when you really want the cake

When we have been programmed since children to accept breadcrumbs and serve others, it is easy for us to accept poor treatment in our relationships as adults. There is always a comfort level in what we already know. When you are stuck in these lustful, "friends with benefits" situationships, there is often a feeling of emptiness because let's be honest, they simply don't fill you up. Especially for feminine women, a "friends with benefits" (FWB) or situationship, cannot fill up our deep craving for exclusivity and a committed relationship.

What does a superficial relationship look like?

They don't care about your feelings.
They ignore your boundaries.
They don't stand by you in difficult times.
They don't provide any of your basic needs.
They don't bring you around their friends and family and they don't want to be around your friends and family.
They never care to do anything about the troubles in your life.
They might not even show any empathy when you are not well.
They are only around when they need something from you.
They play mind games with you.

In a nutshell, you are still alone in a FWB or situationship. If you are still doing everything on your own, you are not in a relationship.

If you feel confused about where you stand with your partner, you are probably in a situationship

If you are in a superficial relationship, you can feel that something is missing yet at the same time you might think that not having your needs met is normal. On an unconscious level, you may even believe that this is all you deserve because you've been told or developed a limiting belief since you were a child that you were a burden on your parents, and you didn't deserve to get all of your needs met.

Why do you keep choosing someone who won't choose you?

Despite all of this, you have so much love to give and you desire a deep emotional bond and real commitment with someone who desires the same, yet you are surrounded by these people who only want to use you. So why do you keep choosing someone who doesn't want to give you what you need? Why don't you walk away? The truth is this - it isn't always easy to walk away if we fear being alone, or we are unable to trust there is a better partner waiting for us.

It is scary and challenging to ask for what you need if you never learned this growing up. For some of us, having needs that our parents refused or were unable to meet has left us feeling frozen or panicked whenever we are asked by our partner what we like or need. So many of my clients do not have what they desire in sex, a partner, or a relationship because they aren't clear on what they need in sex, a partner, or a relationship. It is so important for them to become clear on their needs during our first coaching session. They also are given space to get comfortable expressing their needs by sharing with me what they want out of our coaching sessions.

Why many of us can't recognize a real relationship

It is difficult for someone to know what a real relationship looks like if they have never experienced one, but within your wise body, there is often an intuitive sense that something is "off." Instead of listening to our intuition, we our conditioned to go to our mind for answers. Unfortunately, our brain and nervous system is programmed to keep us safe by keeping us stuck in our past because this is what we know. Our nervous system looks back to our past to see how we handled something before because it rationalizes that we are still alive since we did this before. This part of us is built to survive by staying with what it knows from past experiences even if they caused us pain and suffering. Repeating the past keeps us stuck in our unhealthy patterns and prevents us from moving forward with what we truly desire from a partner and a relationship.

How do we get in these situationships?

Situationships are sticky and uncomfortable, so why are so many people, especially women, stuck in a non-committal cycle for years? How could that even be appealing to a woman wanting love, commitment, and marriage?

Usually, when someone is giving you less than they know you deserve, they will struggle with shame and guilt. This guilt and shame in their energy (because men know exactly what they are doing and what their plans for you are) is probably why you had intense chemistry with them in the beginning. It is where the sparks began. After a woman has sex with a man, she becomes chemically bonded to him. Your sacral and root chakra may hold a lot of guilt, shame, and fear and be in need of healing as well, so you both connected on this lower level. Obviously, guilt and shame isn't the frequency of love. It is a lower frequency, so you eventually will not feel good with this person and relationship. Typically, one of you will walk away, and the other one will be heartbroken.

If you are with a person who keeps you around for their own pleasure and greed, they are teaching you a valuable lesson. They are showing you where you are also making a mistake by not recognizing their ulterior motives towards you.

How anxiety plays a role

Unfortunately for someone who grew up with an insecure attachment, having any kind of relationship, even an empty one filled with anxiety and disappointment, is better than none. If you feel this level of anxiety and unworthiness when you are alone, you will often accept the first person who chooses you without setting your boundaries and voicing your needs. Often my clients with this attachment style will self-abandon, and their symptoms in their body manifest as constricted throat and heavy chest. Their throat and heart chakras are in need of healing from so much self-abandonment and suffering in silence. If you have an insecure attachment, you will repeat your childhood pattern of living through them and for them, serving them and all their needs, and pretending you have none of your own. This is not sustainable for a long term relationship, and it is not true love and intimacy.

If you are reading this, you are probably learning and doing your inner work, and you want to be respectful and loving towards yourself. You probably feel icky for allowing yourself to be so disrespected and used, but you may be spinning in this cycle of pain and heartbreak unable to break free because you don't see a clear way out.

How to Get Unstuck

If you feel stuck in one of these empty false relationships and you want to get unstuck and break free from settling for less than you deserve, schedule a Chemistry Call with me. Find out how I can help you break free from giving away your power. Don't allow someone to use your desire for love against you.

You are worthy and deserving of a true love that fills you up with joy!